In Enclosed Spaces With Vampires
by Bishonen no Hime
Summary: “Don’t ever do that again.” “Ooh, I don’t think I’ve ever heard you use that tone before. Say something else.”
1. Part I

Disclaimer: I don't own Integra, Alucard or anyone else from Hellsing.  I am currently just borrowing them for my own perverse entertainment.

AN:  This hit me about half an hour after I finished reading Dracula by Bram Stoker.  No real connection to the book, that's just when the inspiration fairy decided to bash my head in with that wand of hers…

"In Enclosed Spaces With Vampires."

"Oh God, please tell me this is not happening!"

"Come on, it's not that bad Master."

"Shut UP!!  This is your fault to begin with!"

"How is it MY fault?"

"Who decided to try and scare me because he was bored and then slipped himself?"

"Well of course it seems that way when you say it with that kind of attitude."

"…Move"

"Ow!  What are you doing?"

"Trying…to find…the inside release."

"Is there one?"

"I don't know.  I've never had to look."

"You're slow, let me look."

"What did you say to me?!"

"I can see in the dark, you can't Master."

"Then you should be able to see it from there."

"Not with your hands fumbling around like that."

"You don't even know what the latch looks like!"

"Well neither do you, you said yourself that you'd never looked."

"Wait a minute!  You can pass through solid objects!  You do it all the time."

"Uh-Uh."

"What do you mean 'uh-uh'?"

"I haven't eaten yet tonight.  You'd be surprised how much energy that takes!  …Are you growling Master?"

"Just SHUT UP!!  FOR FIVE BLOODY MINUTES JUST SHUT UP!!"

"No need to get all huffy, geez…"

"What I wouldn't give for an aspirin… Okay, now what is that?  It feels like a lever…  I think I've got it! …  I can't turn it…"

"Here let me try.  …Where is it?"

"There, on the left.  Here, give me your hand, I'll show you."

"Aww, you want to hold my hand Master?"

"…Do you want to die a slow, twisted and painful death involving Care Bears?"

"No ma'am."

"Good, now its right **here**."

"Ah, okay.  Now which way do I turn it?"

"I don't know, just try it."

"Here goes…"

*BANG*

"Oh Hell…"

"What?"

"It broke off."

"What broke off?"

"The release lever."

"You broke it?!"

"Not on purpose Master!  Damn British craftsmanship…"

"Hey!  What's wrong with British craftsmanship?"

"Well look!  The dumb thing just broke right off!  Should have gone with German, or Italian… Hell!!  Even American is better than this crap!!"

"You are vampire, you probably just used too much strength."

"Oh, so now its my fault again?"

"Isn't everything your fault?"

"Just because I'm dead doesn't mean that everything is my fault."

"*Groan* Please don't remind me that I'm stuck in here with an animated corpse!!"

"At least I don't smell like it."

"That's debatable…"

"Hmm?"

"Nothing, nothing…"

"So what are we going to do now?"

"How should I know?"

"Do you think Walter will find us?"

"He's away for two days remember?  His sister is sick."

"Oh, that's right."

"What about Seras?"

"She never comes in here, she has no reason to."

"That's true."

"Well, you know Master…"

"What?  Finish what you were going to say."

"I can slip through here once I eat so why don't you-"

"No!"

"No what?  I haven't even finished yet."

"You are not getting any of my blood!"

"Aw, come on Master it won't hurt.  Here look-"

"No you don't!!  Don't come near me-"

"Integra, quit being childish-"

"Who the hell gave you permission to call me that? And no, stay away-"

"Watch ou-"

*CRACK!*

"OWW!  GOD-"

"Are you alright?"

"Do I bloody look alright?!?"

"Here, come here."

"Wait!  What are you doing?!  …  Alucard let me go this instant."

"Nope."

"Alucard, if I have to be stuck in the trunk of my car with you, I'll deal with it, but not with your arms around me so…so…intimately!!"

"Well, you're stuck with it.  Because you just proved that if I let you go, you'll only hurt yourself again…  Are you growling again?"

As it was, Walter came back early from his sister's to discover that Lord Hellsing and Alucard had been missing since the previous afternoon.  The troops and Miss Victoria had searched the entire mansion and nearby barracks and had found no sign of the missing 'couple'.  Upon discovering that Sir Integra's car was still in the garage and that the keys had been in the ignition, Walter decided to check it out.  There was nothing out of place inside the car, nor on the outside except for an odd scuff near the trunk.  Out of curiosity, he popped it, and nearly toppled over when he saw the contents.  Inside, slightly curled up, was Alucard and Integra, with the latter hugged tightly to the former's chest. Both sleeping soundly.  Walter smiled softly to himself and propped the trunk open with the tire iron, having decided to let them sleep.

AN:  I like the dialogue better than the ending piece but, oh well.  PLEASE R&R!!


	2. Part II

Disclaimer:  Still don't own anyone…

AN:  I couldn't help it; I got inspired to do another chapter.  These little dialogue ficlets are fun to write.  Plus, people asked.  And of course I can't help but to torture Integra and Alucard again.  Although I think its more torture for Integra than Alucard.  

In Enclosed Spaces With Vampires – Part II

"How can this happen to a person twice in one week?"

"At least we're not in a trunk this time."

"Oh, like this is better?!"

"Well, I guess that could depend on your point of view…"

"NO!! *smack* Keep your hands and any other appendages you might form to yourself.  That's how I got hurt last time."

"You're one to talk, you tried to hold my hand last time."

"I did no such thing!  And I can't believe you told Walter and Seras that I was!!!  I thought Walter was going to blow a blood vessel!"

"Hehe, and Seras looked like she was going to pass out."

"God, I'll never get over the fact that Walter found us asleep in my trunk.  How embarrassing…"

"Hmm, *snicker* what would the Queen say?"

"Why did you say it like that?"

"Is this growling a recently formed habit or have you always and I just never noticed?"

"Alucard!!  You have **not** said or in some way hinted to any of the nobility about the trunk incident, HAVE YOU?!"

"Define 'hinted'."

"ALUCARD!!!!!"

"Owww, it echoes in here."

"I'm going to make you watch the Care Bears and My Little Ponies' movies over and over again until you can name them all and sing the theme songs!!!"

"Oh calm down Master, I did no such thing.  Why would I want anything to do with those boring old men anyway?"

"For your sake you better not have said anything."

"Sooo, what are we gonna do?"

"I don't know…AH!!"

"What?"

"I have a meeting with the Knights in fifteen minutes!!  CRAP!!"

"And explaining this would be much worse.  Especially given your state of *cough* dress."

"Well this is, yet again, your fault.  And STOP staring at me!!"

"Its my fault again?"

"Well who was being a voyeur hmmm?"

"I wasn't trying to be a voyeur per say, I was just-."

"Shut UP!  I don't even want to know what you were going to say…"

"Some times you are no fun Master."

"What is that lodged there?  A broom?"

"No, it's something metal.  I could have broken a broomstick easily.  Metal on the other hand…"

"You can break metal by look at it wrong…you just haven't eaten yet have you?"

"Bingo."

"What started this perverse habit of not eating once you get up?!  It's most inconvenient."

"This coming from the woman who complained each time I got near her that my breath stunk.  Ever since that incident I come torment you, then go have breakfast."

"Alucard, I'm flattered that you actually took something I said to heart, so to speak, but all you really needed was a breath mint or something."

"Serious?"

"*sigh* Yes, just a tictac will do.  But stick with the orange ones, they're the best."

"That makes life easier."

"'Life'?"

"Well, you know what I mean."

"Uh-huh."

"Anyway, are these glass?"

"Yes…why?"

"I could just bust these then, right?"

"Nope."

"Nope?"

"They're shatterproof."

"Why the hell are they SHATTERPROOF??  In this room of all places?!?"

"Don't yell at me!! They were installed when I was little!  I had nothing to do with it!!"

"Well, crap-"

"No Alucard don't lean there!"

"Wha-  AAHH!!  It's cold!"

"Turn it off!  No the other-"

"Which way?!"

"Here, MOVE!!"

*CLANG*

"AAAAHHHH!"

"OH HO!! Who broke it this time?!"

"THIS IS NOT HAPPENING!!"

"Telling yourself that isn't going to make it any better!!"

"Alucard!  Break down the door!!"

"And just how-

"Body slam the dumb thing!!  Here I'll do it just move-"

"Don't shove!  The floor's-"

*Both* "AAAAHHHH!!!"

Walter raced up stairs as fast as his aging legs could carry him, the Knights right behind him.  There had just been a scream from Sir Integra's chambers followed by a loud *THUMP* of something heavy hitting the floor.  Oh God, please let her be all right.

They burst into her chambers to find it empty.  Walter heard something that sounded like groaning coming from the bathroom and promptly rushed over and threw the doors open.  A collective gasp was heard from the group of men as they stared, gaping at the scene before them.  The door to the shower stall had broken off and was in pieces on the floor.  Along with what got their attention.

A dripping Sir Integra Wingates Hellsing, wrapped in nothing but a towel, a soaked towel, straddling an equally drenched Alucard.

"S-SIR?"

Both vampire and mistress looked up startled, before Integra turned a horrible shade of red.

"T-This isn't how it looks!!!"

AN:  Hehe, how will she explain this one??  Even I don't know, but I felt like being evil and leaving it there…  R&R PLEASE!!!!


	3. Part III

Disclaimer:  Duh…

AN:  Sorry about the long wait on this next chapter.  I love doing these little things.  They're a great way to work out creativity blocks too.  Not to mention that they don't take even half the time a 'normal' story chapter would.

WARNING:  IF YOU ARE COMPLETELY OBSESSED WITH EVERYONE BEING TOTALLY IN-CHARACTER OR LACK A SENSE OF HUMOR THEN DO NOT READ FURTHER.  If you want to know what caused this little warning, read the review by 'Lord of Whatever, Just Shoot Me'.

In Enclosed Spaces With Vampires:  Part III

"I don't know if this is better or worst than last time…"

"At least you're fully clothed this time."

"God knows you got me in enough trouble over that."

"Think if they could see us now."

"This has got to be the month from hell.  Remind me again why we can't get out."  

"This thing is controlled by hydraulics.  And the control is outside and we are inside."

"Can you move at all?"

"Why? Ah!  Stop squirming Master."

"Because we…I can't…"

"Can't bring yourself to say it?"

"This _position_ is far too intimate."

"Really?  I don't mind…"

"I bet you don't you bloody pervert, now move!"

"How the hell do you expect me to move?  This wasn't exactly made to be a two seater."

"I don't care how just-"

*WHAM*

"OW!  Geez, you get good leg leverage like that don't you?"

"I didn't see a blood packet, that means you've eaten right?"

"Master, are you wearing perfume?"

"What?  No.  Now stop changing the subject."

"I swear it smells like it.  I wonder what it is?"

"Answer me!"

"Sorry, what?"

"I'm going to hang your head on a flag pole when I get out of here."

"Just don't punch me like you did last time.  You broke my jaw in three places."

"Well your laughing wasn't helping me persuade the Knights that we weren't doing anything.  I did what came naturally."

"Abuse me?"

"Exactly."

"Just because I'm immortal doesn't mean that it doesn't sting when I heal some things."

"If it makes you feel better, my knuckles are still bruised."

"Really?  Lemme see."

"Now who's trying to hold whose hand?"

"Oh just give it here."

"No.  Can't you just take my word for it?"

"You're just sore because you can barely see in here, and that you're not on top.  Now stop moving you're hand away, I just want to see the bruise…"

"AH HA!  I saw that!"

"Saw what?"

"What just happened!  That convenient little portal that started to open when your hand touched the side."

"Master, you're starting to become delusional maybe you should just-"

"You're doing this on purpose."

"Whatever are you talking about Master?"

"THIS!  These _wonderful_ little predicaments that you seem to delight in getting us into."

"Ah."

"That wasn't a denial."

"No, no it wasn't."

"SO YOU'VE BEEN LYING TO ME!!!"

"Ow, it echoes in here too."

"YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN OUT OF ANY OF THOSE SITUATIONS YOU SONOFA-"

………

"Don't ever do that again."

"Ooh, I don't think I've ever heard you use that tone before.  Say something else."

"If you EVER propose to-"

"You're wearing flavored chap stick.  That's what I smell."

"Alucard, so help me GOD-"

"What is that, fruit punch?  No, no, that's a drink…"

"That's it."

"M-Master?"

"MOVE!"

*BANG*

"OW!  Ah, MASTER WAI-"

*WHACK*

"JUST ROLL THAT WAY-"

*CRACK*

"AH!!  STOP!  Knee-in-my…SPLEEN!"

"Serves you right."

"You're on top, are you happy now?"

"No.  I'm getting out, NOW!"

"With all that noise, someone is bound to come over here.  And see us like this."

"Good, then I can get out and away from you."

"Why are you so upset?"

"Why?  WHY?!"

"Yes, why?  I didn't think you'd mind that much."

"Oh yes Alucard, every girl fancies her first kiss stolen by a walking corpse!"

"That was your first kiss?"

"YES!  Alucard you've known me since I was thirteen, when have I had time to do something as frivolous as snogging with boys?"*

"Well, you've got some catching up to do, don't you?"

"DON'T YOU DARE-"

*KA-LICK*

*BOOM*

Seras warily approached her master's coffin, from which a loud gunshot had just emitted.  She sidestepped her way over to the control for the lid, her eyes never leaving the black casket.  The main control matching hers, Seras didn't even have to look down to know which button to press for the lid to rise.  The low whirl of the moving hydraulics filled the room and the former policewoman watched, almost not wanting to know what was going on.  She felt her jaw drop as she saw a dark figure sit up suddenly and toss a head-full of long platinum hair.

"Thank God."  Integra sighed as she ran a gloved hand through her bangs.

"S-SIR INTEGRA?!?!?!?" Seras managed to stutter into a yell, and then she noticed the gun in Integra's other hand.  "W-what are you doing in Master's coffin?"

"This stupid-" She was abruptly interrupted as the figure beneath her suddenly started to flail its arms and legs, effectively knocking Integra down against his chest.

"POLICEWOM-no, er, SERAS HELP!  SHE'S TRYING TO RAPE ME!!"

"Wha-"

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY?!?!?!"  Sir Hellsing roared at the vampire beneath her.  Alucard grinned maniacally at her; Seras couldn't see him as he was still lying down in the coffin.

"PLEASE SERAS!!  DON'T LET HER TAKE MY INNOCENCE!!!!"

A look of fury so pure and engulfing came over Sir Integra with such a force that Seras bolted quickly out of the room and slammed the door shut.  Back in her cambers down the hall, she tried to best to ignore what could only be sounds of pain and torture coming from her Master's chambers for the next three hours.

AN:  HEHEHE, haaa, I have absolutely no idea where that came from.  But it was funny.

I'M RUNNIN OUT OF PLACES TO ENTRAP THEM, SUGGESTIONS ARE NEEDED AND WELCOME!!!  I would like to keep them in the manor if at all possible.

Um thanks for reading and I'll hopefully have the next one up soon!! PLEASE REVIEW!!!!

*Snogging – British term for making out with someone.


End file.
